The West Wing Sex Tapes
by Elorie 'Kam
Summary: Many pairings Abbey decides the staff must somehow be entertained. Read at your own risk.


A/N & disclaimer: These characters are entirely not mine. Also, I'm not responsible for any therapy bills you or the characters have due to this. The people at LJ made me do it!

"I would never suggest this under ordinary circumstances," Abbey declared, looking solemnly at the people before her. "But there is no better way to check your health than to make sure you can survive this." She paused, as if for dramatic effect. "Also... if our show can't survive these romantic interludes, it does not deserve to survive. So sayeth the Darwinism of fandom."

"Ma'am," Sam started tentatively.

"We're not in the real world anymore, Sam, just a TV show. You don't have to be respectful."

"In that case, Abbey, why can't I have passionate sex with you while Will films it?"

"Because, Samuel, then we'd lose the requisite amount of slash."

"But all of this is slash," he protested.

"How kind of you to notice," she retorted, and looked at all of them again. "Now, someone can volunteer, or I can pick a lucky number. Which will it be?"

"You forgot to tell us who we're going to be fucking for your voyeur-I mean viewing-pleasure, Abbey," Donna said, almost meekly.

"Excellent point, Donna!" Abbey smiled brightly. "Jed and Leo. I'm so proud of both of you, but it's time to take it to the next step. No more damn subtext; you have to do this, so everyone will see it's just not meant to be. Now, Leo, I'm agreeing to this, so you don't have to worry about me hurting you. Other people, though... you'd better keep your Secret Service detail around for a while."

"Quite true," Leo answered, turning pale. He turned to his friend. "Well, Jed? On the carpet? One of the couches? Around the lamp? The Resolute desk?"

"Abbey, is this really necessary?" Jed demanded.

"Very much, sweet knees."

"Slashy porn, boy, Abbey, I don't know..." he muttered.

"Hold on while I give everyone else their sentences--I mean pairings. Toby and Josh, you must let your pent-up hostility out. No more Unresolved Personal Issues in this building, gentlemen!"

"Yes, ma'am," Josh managed, looking sick.

"Politeness, Josh. Now, Sam, you already know about you and Will. Don't worry, I'm sure Ginger won't mind you using her desk. CJ and Donna, I'm sure you'll do brilliantly."

"Abbey, you don't want to have sex with me?" CJ pouted. Abbey looked at her with a smirk.

"I'm not tall enough for you."

"I can think of ways that's not a problem," the press secretary replied, studying the First Lady.

"Yes, well... tough luck." She paused. "Besides, you and Donna are two of the hottest women on the planet. I think you should go first, actually, and encourage the men over here." Abbey smirked again.

Leo leaned forward. "I never thought I'd say this, Abbey, but if that happens, you'll be filming threesomes."

"An orgy, even," Jed added, slipping a hand inside his friend's suit.

"Not yet, Jed!"

"Really, Jed, if you're that impatient, you can go first," Abbey told them.

"Oh, no. We're old men. We need some time to, you know..."

"This is just a TV show, you can say it."

"... Get our dicks together."

"Whoa." Will looked ready to faint. Sam patted his arm.

"There, there. If you want, we can go first, get it out of the way."

"I think I'm going to die."

"We're meant to resolve this writing tension somehow, Will. We've tried calling each other, we've tried calling each other names. There's only one option left."

"Can't you just condemn me to working in an office next to Toby for the rest of my life?"

"We're doing that, too," Toby told him.

"Kill me now."

"Not yet, darling," Abbey told him. "This is all very interesting, but two of you--the correct two of you--need to start taking each other's clothes off very soon."

"Or what?"

"I'll tell everyone about the time you told me I had a great rack, Josh."

"It's true."

"And I'll let everyone know that." She looked around. "All right."

"Oh, we'll do it," CJ groaned, pulling Donna forward. "Someone has to be brave."

"Can I make chicken noises now?" Donna asked.

"Knock yourself. Only please don't. We need to have passionate, hot, sweaty sex, Donna. I've wanted you for so long..."

"Okay, just let me make some chicken noises and then we'll get it on, all right?" Donna turned back. "Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!"

"Sorry," Toby and Josh said together.

"I knew it!" Abbey said triumphantly. "You are meant to be!"

"We are so screwed," Josh muttered.

"I heard that, Joshua, and yes, you are. Now be quiet."

"Well," CJ said, "where shall we do it?"

"Didn't you once kind of talk about doing Carol on the couch in your office?"

"Yeah, but then it moved. Oh, do you want to make this a threesome?"

Donna shrugged. "Not a main character. Who cares. Maybe later. Come on."

"Come, come?" CJ asked.

"Yes."

"I wonder how sturdy my podium is?" CJ wondered.

"Excellent idea."

"Abbey?"

"Get to it, Claudia Jean, before I jump you myself."

"Hey!" her husband shouted.

"Just turn off the rest of the cameras."

"There's some kind of possibility there."

"Abbey, where exactly are these tapes going again?"

"I think we're releasing them on January 21, 2007."

"Oh."

"That makes sense."

"What about in the meantime?"

"I'm entertaining the rest of the staff with them, of course."

"Abigail, that's just evil."

"You finally noticed, pumpkin." Abbey fiddled with the camcorder. "Donnatella and Claudia Jean... go at it, girls. Remember this has audio!"

"This is going to be the one people like," Josh muttered. Leo glanced over at him.

"Idiot. Do you have any idea how many people there are who think that Jed and I are soulmates?"

"Fair point."

"Also, Josh, you and Toby..." Sam broke off and snickered.

"Yeah, that's just cruel."

"Will and I, on the other hand... resolving the tension should be... exciting." Sam turned his bright smile on Will.

"I'm not listening, I'm watching CJ and Donna so I don't faint," Will said in a monotone. "Oh, and I think your tie needs to be involved in our little performance."

"Which tie?"

"The one you gave me."

"Oooh, excellent point. My tie, lack of a call girl, and possibly the Roosevelt Room."

"Toby and I get the Mural Room," Josh claimed.

"We're ambitious, aren't we?" Toby wanted to know.

"Extremely. That's why you're screamingly jealous of me."

"Very funny, Josh."

"It is."

"Oval Office," Jed told Leo.

"Yeah. That's the only possible place, except for the Truman Balcony. And there just isn't enough furniture there."

"Also it's cold, and possibly outside."

"Yeah. Also, I'm gonna have to kick your ass for the slashy porn thing."

"Shh," Abbey hushed.

CJ is now perched on the podium, completely naked, with Donna's hands holding her up. "Excuse me," she said. "Are you paying attention now?"

"Do something," Toby suggested. CJ arched backward, almost falling off the podium, to try and kiss Donna's breasts, but instead wound up with Donna kissing her breasts.

"We're doing something!"

"Charlie gets this tape first!" Abbey declared, cackling.


End file.
